Following my mother around the countryside

Hard one to write but thought what better way to get everything off my chest than to fire it out to cyber land!! Here goes…… My mother passed away in December 2011. She had breast cancer. Since then I have had the same recurring dream. She is laughing and looks young and so healthy. She is with a black dog an she is asking me to come on over. Every time I try to reach her I can’t. It is the most infuriating thing but at the same time I love to see her laugh. Recently I have had the dream more frequently and I am trying to work out where she is. When I described the surroundings to my big sister she knew the place I was talking about The Electric Brae in Scotland. We would go there and laugh so much because the car would move on its own. We also got to eat chips!! I was too young to recall this place but have a vague memory of mum laughing in the car. Anyway that dream then led me to to many other themes. I researched Culzean Castle, Brig o’doon. Then my husband mentioned that both of these were printed on the Scottish 5 pound note. That led me to believe that mum wanted me to put the lottery on. No luck with that one (Another one of my sister’s stories is that our mum always thought that we would win the lottery!!). Anyway I had the same dream again on Thursday night and on Friday had to meet with some people in Stranraer. I was driving along and just as I got to Newton Stewart (Where mum grew up) ‘Heaven couldn’t wait for you’ came on the CD and as I listened to the song I felt an overwhelming sensation to turn the car in another direction. The sun seemed to follow me on my way. I followed the road and arrived in Wigtown (the book town). I parked up and once again this bloody urge to buy a lottery ticket (I did not win!). So I then followed the road round to Port William and as I neared Auchenmalg (where my mum and dad have a caravan) I again sensed her presence on the road. The road was familiar in the dream. So it is here, it is here this is the place that she rests, happy with our old dog Rex. When I tell my dad the story I tell him to go to Port William and put mum’s lottery numbers on. Again I have no idea why I say this. I do not know why It all boils down to the lottery because it is not about riches. I just have a sense that she is trying to tell me something maybe i got the money thing in my head because of the places being on a five pound note. If anyone else can see a pattern or understand another meaning to it then please fill me in. Anyway things got even more crazy on the way home. I actually felt that I was mentally ill. I again felt an overwhelming urge to follow another sign. This time it was to Sandgreen. So off I went with a fuzzy head and butterflies in my tummy, then I followed round to Carrick then Solway View. For those of you that may read this and have no idea where these places are they are all places by the sea. You practically drive right by the coast the whole time and It takes your breath away. My mum loved the Sea. My parents could not afford a house by the sea but they did get a caravan. The caravan looks out to the Irish Sea and If you sit out on the veranda you can hear the waves roll up on the sand. I love that sound. It is my favourite sound. My mum used to the sit there with her blanket just listening and smiling. Aw I miss her soo much it pains me even writing this. Maybe she is in my life right at this time because I need her now more than ever. Maybe she just wants to show me all the places she loves. When I phoned my sister last night. She is my big sis so she has all the info! all those lovely memories from when I was too young. Anyway she informed me that when she first learnt to drive she would take mum and grandpa to Wigtown as they both loved it there and they would get a wee ice cream cone and look at the sea. Maybe this makes sense. Maybe this is telling me that mum is with her dad and our old dog. She also informed me that mum actually wanted her caravan to be at Sand green and that was her first choice but my dad likes to have a wee pint every now and again so they chose Auchenmalg as it has a lovely wee pub called ‘The Cock In’.
So there it is. My adventures yesterday took me to places that my mummy loved. It makes me wonder what is out there. What happens after we die. Maybe things are all in my head. I do feel as if it is all driving me a little crazy. I long for my mother and I can’t have her………………..

Frida Kahlo

“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do.  I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too.  Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”   
  ―    Frida Kahlo

I am thinking of you too

Beyonce ‘heaven’

I had a dream about my mum the other night. She was laughing and looked so healthy. She kept asking me to come over. I tried but could not get to her. I retold the story to my big sister. I described the place were I had saw our mother. My sister knew the place. It was a place that my mum used to take us when we were smaller A place that she loved. I was too young to remember. It still confounds me that somewhere in the depths of my mind I can see a place that I have no conscious memory of. I love you mum and miss you everyday.