What is it that you want?

Here I am.  This is me. What do you want? Should I numb myself down further? Should I be less alive? Should I lessen my speak.  Lesson my thoughts. What is it that you want me to be.  Who is it?  I can erase it.  I can try to.  They are just memories made up in my head.  There is no truth to them.  You only see what you want to see.  Believe what you want to believe.  Stories…………stories  made up in ones mind.  I don’t know If I have the strength………….to not see your face again.  I can try hard to be prettier, so that you see me. What is it that you want? All these emotions, knotted stomach.  Surely a person cannot live in pain every day.  Emptiness…..that is what is left behind.

To Silence one…To Stop one from expressing themselves.

Should Art be hidden away?  The Female Body in all it’s beauty.  Woman of all shapes and sizes. Women too, are sexual beings that have desire, that lust after things.  To be human is to live.. To live is to be human.  Should I be silenced for wanting to share this art. To tell stories of love and compassion.  Stories about life and how I see life. The Woman’s body is a beautiful thing.  Love and pleasure are too beautiful.  Without them are we not lost??

“We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, you can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you would threaten the man. Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors not for jobs or accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.”

o― Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

The Handsome Gatekeeper

A series of 6 paintings

“In the short summer night she learned so much. She would have thought a woman would have died of shame… She felt, now, she had come to the real bedrock of her nature, and was essentially shameless. She was her sensual self, naked an unashamed. She felt a triumph, almost a vainglory. So! That was how it was! That was life! That was how oneself really was! There was nothing left to disguise or be ashamed of. She shared her ultimate nakedness with a man, another being.”-  D.H.Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover

Strong Independent Woman

A Series of 6 paintings.  The last on this subject.  Sometimes in life we are faced with things that make us a bit crazy.  We become someone that we do not recognise. This unrecognisable state causes confusion not only in us but in everyone around us.  People wonder what is going on….. are you alright…..you are not yourself…….you are distant.  We continue in our daily lives, mask on, but deep down we are not in the job at hand we are lost….lost in thought…..consumed by the memory of what was.   I guess these paintings are the moving on from this.  Someone said to me recently that sometimes the thoughts of something is better than the reality and I think that is right.  Why risk everything in life for something that you don’t know, that is not familiar to you.  I say to J if you are ever going to have an affair make sure that you love her,  if you love her then at least it is worth it.  If it is just a drunken one night stand then you don’t deserve my love.   Love finds happiness in many places and If you fall in love then I can cope with that.  My infactuation is short lived. His face unknown now,  Unrecognisable…. like a death in my head… the memories fade away, face forgotten. The fisherman remains though,  it is his eyes…..they suffer no fools.   He has kind eyes.  He loves the woman, just the way she is.  No changes to be made, no alteration to her look, her body although disfigured and imperfect.  Perfect in his eyes.  His eyes….his eyes…. And there her spirit released once more. The last painting the woman finds her love.  Her one love, her love , her love her love……    Woman……independent woman.  Strong Independent woman……choose love…..choose that love…….choose…………….

Her Vulnerable Naked Body

A series of two paintings tonight. The Woman left naked and vulnerable.  Struggles to see her own reflection. Her figure ghost like, her eyes darkened.  She is distant to all around her.  Consumed once again in her thoughts.  Lost now forever.  The removal of her memories continues throughout her daily life.  What one gives to another……for what…..no love in return…….just sadness remains. She is forever lost.

The Man By The Sea

Sometimes we come across people in life, they stumble on our path, sometimes they wiz on by, Sometimes they stop and have a chat, Sometimes they stop and have that chat  and then without any conscious thinking at the time that stumble becomes something.  The start of something beautiful and nice. I have two paintings tonight to share, that are about the beauty in that.  Beautiful people that we stumble upon, can enlighten and fulfil. Love can be found in the most random and peculiar places.  And you can have all kinds of love in your life.  People that inspire you and make you happy….and in turn hopefully you can bring them some joy, some happiness….. The first painting The Man By the Sea is about a beautiful Irishman. This man works hard on the Sea, day and night to provide for the family he loves.  His tired body longs for some comfort, someone to soothe him to sleep.  Someone to love him dearly as he deserves.

“He always thought of the sea as ‘la mar’ which is what people call her in Spanish when they love her. Sometimes those who love her say bad things of her but they are always said as though she were a woman. Some of the younger fishermen, those who used buoys as floats for their lines and had motorboats, bought when the shark livers had brought much money, spoke of her as ‘el mar’ which is masculine. They spoke of her as a contestant or a place or even an enemy. But the old man always thought of her as feminine and as something that gave or withheld great favours, and if she did wild or wicked things it was because she could not help them. The moon affects her as it does a woman, he thought.”
Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea

In the second Painting.  The Woman like the Sea affected by the Moon, does wild and wicked things.  She embraces the man, tired and worn.  She loves him deeply……….

Consumed…….Now Erased

Her mind consumed all day, everyday.  Why is this so?  How can it be.  He is not hers to own, to lay with, to touch. Distance between them.  You need to erase it…… erase it all….Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind.

There was the moon that could be seen that night, & she said to the moon, ‘Consume me’.  Let my lips touch the surface… just this once.





The Love Affair

A series of 4 Paintings based on a Woman’s thought process during a love affair.  She is lost within herself deep in desire, her desire based only on a simple touch of her leg.  Nothing else exits between the two.  The Man faceless at times is seen in her dreams.  He leaves her wanting and needy .  She would need to risk everything that belongs to her to see this desire through.  She is lost and blind in her confusion.

Where am I going now in this dark night

Set of 4 paintings.

The confused woman, faceless at times, her body filled with desire, a desire that is deep within.  Her hands are bound, she is not free to move to follow any path.  Her life is set under the same sky, under the same roof, under the same skin forever lost.

“I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”
Jack Kerouac