The effects of ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy)

I’m not sure if I’m alive

As I sit here looking at my children as they play

As I sit here listening to my children as they laugh

I feel as If they have taken something from me

Those people in the hospital have stolen my brain

I think I have lost who I am and I don’t know how to get me back

They said my depression had got so bad I tried to kill myself

Three times in the space of several hours

I can’t remember any of it

My brain is all fuzzy

It is like having a constant migraine

I have also developed a love of the word ‘fuck’

choosing to say the word after every fucking second word

I am confused and I have lost my memory

I can’t recall any of the last fortnight in the mental health hospital

I still get lost trying to find the laundry room

You are not a human being when you are a mental health patient

you are downgraded to something perhaps animal like

It doesn’t matter what your views are

It doesn’t matter if you want to see your children

It doesn’t matter if you don’t have capacity

I have seen bits of paper that I have signed

I have signed a piece of paper telling the health professionals to electrocute my fucking brain

I have seen this piece of paper that I signed

I have no recollection of signing it or agreeing to the procedure

Now I’m fucked

I have lost my memory

and I’m fucking confused

The End

 

 

Why don’t you love me…..

I tried to change

Look pretty

Be more normal

Less tranquil

Are you not in love with me?

Imperfect body

Deformed

Imperfect

Mad mind

Alcohol intake

Not washing

Hair turns grey

Am I loveable?

I create with my hands

Give my soul to my art

Is that wrong

I don’t know how to separate the two

My art is my diary

My life journey

How many women do you want?

I am not enough to please you

Is this what you truly want

I could try to be her

To still feel your skin

I love to feel your skin

But you

You gave your perfect girl

I loved  you before my own self

Why can’t you see me?

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Today I realised it was a dream

Maybe I have loved you all along

Our meeting was out of my comfort zone

Not really me

Pennies in my pocket

Dressed impression

Did you see me then

Maybe our lips could have touched a little

Your hand on my knee

I still feel it there

Your hand

Gin and Gin

Early hours of the morning

I watched as you walked away

Waiting for you to turn back

Because I wanted you too

Imperfect body

Imperfect mind

My soul latched on though

And I stole yours

Today it is a dream

Unreal

Today it is a dream

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Search for living

Search for a strong light

One that will hold

Cable

Open the box

Check how many little white pills

Fall to the ground

Weep like a child

Rock back and forth

Nose running into mouth

Screams in head

Battle, battle for life

Try slow down the mind

Try to rationalise thoughts

Children

Mother

Aunt

Sister

Daughter

This was not meant to be

I have dreamt my future

Im old

With my old feet in the Sea

 

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To him Mr …

Dishonesty

Aware of it all

Catch you talking

About her

Home

Children

Unknown women

Magician able to exist, two places at once

What  are you hiding

I’m not  at ease

Listening  against the hard wood

Trying  to make sense

Death

Drownings

My mother gone

No Sir

I tried  to be something

Prettier

Less awake

Why can’t you see me?

Repent  repent repent

Are you cheating on me?

Your other woman

I know  she is her

Blonde I imaging

Opposition  of Mr B

Cleavage

Recycled Barbie Doll

What will you say at my funeral.

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Unfunctional but free

I sat watching the tree

It had a red light bulb on it

It seemed strange that two things

Two separate things

Would be together

One created by nature

God

One by man

But yet they felt right together

The bulb and the tree

I wanted to go there

Sit beneath it

I wanted rope

To collide one life with something different

Something opposite

To feel free in a world that could accept differences

That beings could just be

That we could just be

A world where beautiful things could come together

Unfunctional

But free

 

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Becoming Me

I miss my mother

I miss her advice

I want to know what to do now

I want answers to my life

Who is it that answers that when you are an adult

Everyone has their own shit to deal with

Adulthood  means that you answer your own questions

I miss my mother

Maybe I latch on to other people to fill the gap

Non Judgmental

My mum was

She would listen and make affirmations

She would talk about the pros and cons

And then she would simply  say

You have to decide

Friends  don’t do that

They all have their own opinion

They are not like a Mother

A mother that knows your soul

Your  temperment

I hope I find that in life

A partner that knows me

That knows who I truly truly am